Many nights I can’t sleep. Ever since my son died I fear that my loved ones will die in their sleep.

Night-time is scary.

I lay awake, stiff, listening to my husband breathe. I put my hand on him and feel him breathing. I shake him when the terror clutches me and I think he has stopped breathing. I get up and check on the dog. I shake him too sometimes. Once, when I was pregnant with my daughter, my poor dog…he was so sound asleep and not moving that he scared the dickens out of me – I shook him and shook him in utter fear and crying – but he was fine – just asleep… very very soundly. And my daughter – I usually hold her while she naps (in fact, she is napping in my lap right now); and all night, I listen to her breathe or have her close so that I can feel her moving. Will I ever be able to let her sleep on her own?

I want to be there for her when she stirs, if she needs me, if she wants me…

I don’t want her to be afraid.

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