I learned last week of a friend of a friend who lost a baby this month. We were supposed to have tea today but a storm and icy roads will keep us apart. She is in the throws of it.

Like drowning, first you are underwater, inhaling. But this is not right. This is not natural.

Then, emerging, choking and sputtering and sinus stinging, throat, stinging…

Then, on the surface, tossed in the waves, unable to see anything but peak and trough…

Eventually, you are washed ashore, weak, and waterlogged, or you pretend everything is ok by swimming…

But land looks different now because you understand water-speak. Your limbs won’t walk, you are used to thrashing. The world is deafeningly quiet and still. You have a black hole in your chest where your heart used to be and you may implode at any moment into the cosmos within – where your child is..?

In some world, maybe we have a faint blue glow – those of us who know – so that we can identify each another – those of us who have lost a child.

This post is dedicated to those of whom their loss is fresh – you who are choking and being tossed at sea – that you may see us with our soft blue glow, mothers of lost children, our love is deep and endless… I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that you must feel these things, and feel this pain; but I do hope that you will just feel it… be there in the moment and feel… be… be and become with it…

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